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Joe Biden

Here’s some inspiration for anyone who’s writing vows, Valentine’s Day cards, or friendship goals.

Poop

Here’s to reaching that stage in a relationship when you can do a #2 while your heart’s #1 is around.

Peanut Butter & Jelly

The best compliments have something to do with food.

Sperm

No comment.

Sex Hair

Sex hair days are even better than good hair days.

Tinder accounts

There was a time, when changing the relationship status on Facebook was everyone’s #relationshipgoal. Nowadays, couples take romance to the next level by deleting an app together.

Escape

Have you ever listened to the Pina Colada song? Like, really listened to the actual words? It’s such a great song with an amazing little story. And – surprise – it has nothing to do with cocktails.
Anyhow, I’ve been listening to that song a lot lately, and then I met the lovely people from Escape the City. One has nothing to do with the other, but the word “escape” floated around in my brain, and I had to wrap it into a pick-up line and set it free.

Ifs and Venns (work in progress)

I’ve been toying around with this idea, but I’m not sure if I’ve nailed it yet: I like Venn diagrams, and I love metaphors. This is my attempt to combine the two and turn them into a nerdy way to tell someone that it’s time to face the music.

May the odds be ever in your favor

There are all kinds of odds two people want to beat.
Just ask Phil Collins.

Pancakes

By now it should be clear that I love breakfast things – even when I insult people.

Friend zone

May you always hand out but never receive this card.

Shower

One of my favorite compliments.

Space

Not gonna lie, I like space – down here and up there.

Parents

This card should get you out of pretty much every hairy situation.
You’re welcome.

The Fifth

This card was inspired by my law class and my natural talent for diplomacy (and conflict avoidance).

Four-Word Needs

When you’re told that there’s a need to talk, it’s usually bad news, conveniently announced in four words. But who says that needing to do something always has to be a bad thing?

Say Yes

Here are some cards that support the notion that confidence is sexy, too many choices make it difficult to decide, and saying yes is not only a good idea when doing improv.

(Thanks to M. for the inspiration!)

Friends

This sentence usually means the world until you hit puberty. Then, it often means tears, ice cream, and an online order of voodoo dolls.

Birthday

Birthdays are awesome. So is all kinds of birthday sex.

 

 

These two cards were inspired by my friend S. – thanks, friend!

#FTW

If I ever get married again, the first one will most likely be my wedding invitation.

 

The second card is for subtle declarations of love and occasional rough patches.

Follow me

I’m fully aware that this card could backfire gloriously (or just refer to social media).
However, if you can pull it off, I want to know all of your secrets.

 

 

 

 

 

PS: I trust your judgement to not do too many stupid things and blindly follow people.

Exclusive

May you get this card from someone who makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Breakfast in bed

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, after all.

Bedroom

I have nothing to add here.

Sex. Blank. Repeat.

For those (three) people who don’t like brunch.

Crush

“A crush represents in pure and perfect form the dynamics of romantic philosophy: the explosive interaction of limited knowledge, outward obstacles to further discovery – and boundless hope.” – The Book of Life

 

Crushes are awesome – until they literally crush your heart, ego, and all that hope. But until then, they add just the right amount of oomph to our lives.

(Possible) New Year’s Card

September’s here, it’s time to start thinking about holiday cards and New Year’s resolutions.

Genes

Compliments always work – especially when they make people feel like winners.

Horny

#lifegoal

Happiness

You’re not really expecting a profound explanation here, are you?

Dates (the sexy kind)

This card is inspired by Aziz Ansari’s book Modern Romance. (Do yourself a favor and read it.)

People who want to find a significant other, listen up! Stop asking people you fancy to “hang out”. Grow a pair and ask them to go on a real date.

(So much) Better

This one works for all kinds of occasions – from job interviews to love things.

Kisses & Drugs

Not gonna lie, I’m still working on the perfect Tinder bio. (Or business card copy.)

Four words

Sometimes, the worst part about unpleasant conversations is to actually get the ball rolling and say those those dreaded four words. (And now you can just hand out cards.)

Spoons

I’m pretty sure, the world would be a better place if we all spooned more.

Naked

When you’re having the kind of party where the dress code simply is your birthday suit.

Wanted. (The sexy kind.)

“In my mind, the sexiest thing in the world is the feeling that you are wanted.” – Mindy Kaling

I completely agree with Mindy, and I would like to add that one of the unsexiest things is beating around the bush at the wrong time. (No pun intended.)

Wake me up, before you go-go

Best case: Combined with this one.
Worst case: Combined with that one.

Sex & Brunch

PSA: Life is always better when you combine activities you enjoy.

Hopes & Dreams

Sounds like a plan.

Seduction

I listened to the song. I made a card.
Take it away, Mary!

 

 

 

 

PS: I’m thinking about using the lyrics as my Tinder bio.

 

 

 

 

Brains

Sometimes, there’s no reason to beat around the bush.

Get it together

This card should be in everyone’s wallet.

Unfuck

I know you can think of at least one person you’d like to give this card to.

Welcome!

The perfect card for friends, relatives, and semi-strangers who should get ready for the walk of shame.

Charming

No matter how naked you want people to get, I have you covered.

Hooky

Do it. At least once in your life.

Mad Lips I

Three blanks, so many directions. Good luck!

Proud Mom

Whatever you do, do this.

Decisions, decisions

Some decisions are hard, but maybe they get easier if you ask yourself one of the two questions. Then, you can still do the opposite.

My Favorite Thing

I rarely use italicized words on my cards, but we needed a little extra gravitas here. So yes, I hope you’ll find your favorite thing – doesn’t really matter if it’s a person, pet or pastry.

Cards that save every day

I know, I’m shooting myself in the foot here, but these are the only cards you’ll ever need.

Seven Billion People

This is one way to becoming really awesome at being a person.
Meet all kinds of people, listen to their stories, learn from them, crash on their couches, hug them, buy them a drink or a sandwich and always treat them with respect.

High Fives & Fuck Yeahs

Happy New Year!

Blind Dates

Blind dates make for really good stories on seeing dates.

Let’s hug

Maybe the world would be a better place if we hugged (it out) more often.
Here’s a start.

Good Stories

Good stories make everything better. Everything.

Preach it, Mrs. Roosevelt

Eleanor Roosevelt was awesome, and I’m sure she would approve of me adding my own two cents to one of her most famous quotes.

Gravy

This card was inspired by Stevie Wonder’s “You are the Sunshine of my Life”. I don’t want to argue with Mr. Wonder and sunshine is pretty great, but let’s face it: Everything is better when it has gravy on it.

Half-Ass

If I ever had to give advice to a large group of people, this would be it.

We need to talk

Hearing “we need to talk” is usually the starting point to getting ready to update relationship statuses and LinkedIn profiles. Maybe announcing everything ahead of time can take off some of the edge.

Fucks Given

Just like counting your blessings, it might be a relief to count the daily fucks given.

I Call Dibs

Yeah, we all want to receive this card (from the right person).

Exit Strategy III

Now, here’s another card we should all have in our wallet.

Let’s go Places

Ok, this is a tricky one. You actually need to fill it out BEFORE you hand it out. Because otherwise, my place could be your place and we won’t get anywhere.

Offline Tinder

Since everyone and their sister is on Tinder, it’s time to step up your game: Offline is the new online, friends.

PS: Left is bad, right is good.

Poetry

Who does not like poetry?

One (More) Thing

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you put yourself on someone’s bucket list.

One (More) Drink

This drink may or may not be the best investment ever.

Breathe in and Breathe out

This card should be in everyone’s wallet. As a reminder for pretty much everyone – including ourselves.

Exit Strategy II

Bad sex makes for good stories.

Exit Strategy I

Sometimes, you just want to be left alone. There’s a card for that.

Go Ahead

Yes, why don’t you go ahead already.

New Heights

Fill in the blank like you mean it.

You look like

Oh the choices!

Absolutely Beautiful

Not every compliment needs to come with a holy four-letter word.

Less talking. More kissing.

No comment.

Holy Compliments

Everyone loves compliments. So go out there and make someone’s day.

We Should

Fill in the blank wisely, my friend.

Get lucky with baseball metaphors

Yes, let’s!

(In case you’re not familiar with the sexy kind of bases:
First Base: French kissing
Second Base: Above the waist
Third Base: Below the waist
Fourth Base: That would be a home run, which is pretty much the opposite of running back to your home. It means you score. Big time.)

Would you like to be my girlfriend / boyfriend?

Oh the memories! Let’s face it, no matter what age you are, it’s (still) fucking great when a special someone asks you to make it official.

Would you like to get naked with me?

Remember: It’s sexy to be polite and ask before changing into the birthday suit.

Would you like to get out of here?

Let’s hope it’s not just because it’s so stuffy inside.

Would you like to make out with me?

Making out becomes an underrated activity once you don’t live with your parents anymore. Go ahead, boys and girls: Kiss and fumble like you mean it. It’s fantastic.

Would you like to watch a movie with me?

It’s dark. You’re sitting way too close. Few things can go wrong.

Would you like to go on a walk with me?

Strolling around, hoping the other person finds the courage to grab your hand is awesome.

Would you like to go on a picnic with me?

Don’t worry about ants, mosquitoes, the weather, dog shit or rogue frisbees. Making out on a blanket in the park – with bread crumbs in your hair and leftover cheese on your shirt – is fantastic.

Would you like to have dinner with me?

Show me what you eat and I tell you who you are. When you get invited for dinner, you know that there’s a chance you get lucky – even if it’s just scoring a free meal.

 

Would you like to have lunch with me?

Go for lunch if you want to keep it casual, don’t have any money for dinner or just think you look better in daylight.

Would you like to have a drink with me?

Step up your game and go straight for the booze.

Would you like to have coffee with me?

A lot of good stories start with coffee.

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